How parents treat us as children profoundly influences our thoughts about them when we are adults.
It is acceptable not to feel regret – it is acceptable not to feel guilty about circumstances beyond our control as children.
If you grew up experiencing emotional neglect – if in your childhood you were being emotionally hurt by a parent, and then one day that parent gets ill or passes away – is it then a given fact that you will be thinking “if only I had reached out more, been kinder and shared more of my time with that parent, things might have been different”.
Should you feel regret about your childhood circumstances that you couldn’t influence?
In other words, would you feel regret and guilt about something that happened in your childhood that you could do nothing about? Children have very little influence on all the major decisions their parents make for them.
Most parents make good decisions for their children and enable their children to grow up in a safe place, have their needs met, encourage them to develop a growth mindset, giving them the care, attention and affection they need. This will lead to a healthy relationship between the children and the parents.
I’m not talking about everything having to be perfect – children learn from watching their parents solve daily problems and challenges. Problem-solving is a valuable skill to have. In healthy families the wellbeing of the children is at the forefront of the parents’ thoughts and planning. They make their children feel understood and significant.
There are also the more complex families, where one of the parents, or in some cases both parents, are unable to provide a safe space for their children and meet their needs. This could be a situation where, for example, one parent is ill or has passed away, perhaps drinks too much, or uses substances.
Often, complex families, are unable to put the wellbeing of their children at the forefront of their thoughts and planning. They often need to meet their own needs first, be it mental support, financial support, getting substances or alcohol, and the children’s needs come second.
They are sometimes unable to create a safe space for the children and often these children are left to look after themselves and become little adults at a very early age.
In my own experience, my mother got ill and passed away when I was a child, leaving me to grow up with my father. He probably found it daunting to suddenly become a single parent entirely responsible for an 11-year-old girl. In his own way he tried to organise a home for me.
The battle of custody became a bettle of wills.
However, the family got involved in a battle about where, and with whom I should live. They all had their own perspectives and thoughts about it, there was a lot of disagreement and they got caught up in heated arguments.
They showed me how an adult can make a child feel insignificant, unseen and unheard. I felt that all the decisions were made over my head. I felt helpless and abandoned.
Why am I sharing this with you? There was one important thing my family had forgotten. They had never asked me where I wanted to live. Nor had they asked me how I felt about the decisions that were made about my life, or talked to me about my feelings in general, having lost my mother to illness.
Children are completely dependent on their parents or the people caring for them. They adapt to their parents’ personality and situations, learning to navigate the moods and sometimes the illnesses of their parents.
A child who lives in a family where a parent uses substances like drugs or alcohol, for example, learns to navigate the parent’s moods and knows when to get out of the way and stay safe.
In my case, I lived with a parent who easily became angry, who communicated poorly, lacked empathy and who didn’t prioritize my wellbeing. In response to this, I developed a victim identity and as I got into my teens I became a survivor.
Coming back to my question “if you have been emotionally hurt by a parent as a child – is it then a given fact that you will be thinking “if only I had reached out more, been kinder and shared more of my time with that parent, things might have been different”.
Those of us who have grown up with emotional neglect or adverse childhood experiences, tend to think differently.
In my own experience, when I think about my family, my thoughts are “if only they had done more, if only they had noticed me, listened to me and supported me” things might have been different.
I can empathize with their struggles and understand their pain, but because I was a child, I have stopped thinking that I could have done more. Children are not responsible for how they grow up. There should always be an adult in the room guiding them responsibly.
How parents treat us as children profoundly influences our thoughts about them when we are adults. It is acceptable not to feel regret – it is acceptable not to feel guilty about circumstances beyond our control as children.
Wishing you peace and healing on your journey. Thank you for reading!
Sarah